Guest Post: Jenny, The Bloggess Breaks It Down For You

The MOMocrats happened upon the very first political post of the very famous Jenny, The Bloggess, and she kawasakied us by writing back.  We invited her over to share her thoughts on the election, from the vantage point of the average mom who is not watching the Span 24/7 like we are. 

So recently the MOMocrats discovered my astute political commentary and offered me a small soapbox on which to vent my spleen (horrible phrase).  I suspect they were wooed over by quotes like this:

“I’m going to be a political pundit but I’m going to pronounce it like “pundeet” because that sounds sexier. I haven’t decided who I’m going to vote for but I’m thinking either the chick or the black guy. Probably not the chick though because she seems kind of bitchy. Like she’d be all nice to your face but then she’d get you black-balled from the country club. Like I’d even want to join your stupid country club, Hillary. Yeah, I’d totally vote for the black guy. By the way, isn’t he half white? Why do we always call him black? That’s weird. These are the kind of hard-hitting posts you can expect from me in the coming months. Also, someone tell me how to register to vote.”

Anyway, turns out that there are lots of moms who (like me) didn’t know what a “Republican” was until last week and that’s why I’ve decided to do a little educating on the candidates.

McCain.  First of all, I don’t like him.  He has a capital C in the middle of his name which is confusing and also pretentious.  Secondly, I heard he was in jail.  I mean, some of my closest relatives are ex-cons but that doesn’t mean they should run the country.  Frankly these are pretty much the last people that should have access to nuclear weapons.  Most of them can’t even stay sober through breakfast.  (I’m looking at you, Uncle Frank.)

Hillary.  I bet she gives really bad blow jobs.  I mean, it’s not entirely applicable to the job but seriously?  She looks like she just ate a big bag of lemons or is constantly kegeling.  She’s like a giant clenched muscle all the time.  Like if you lobbed an impossible-to-solve paradox at her in a debate she’d probably start shaking and her head would shoot off.  She’s smart though and I bet she’d be cool if she was drunk.  Unfortunately you can’t be drunk all the time (Uncle Frank) and so that’s why I can’t vote for her. 

Obama.  O-bomb-uh.  There’s a bomb in the middle of his name.  Personally I think his team needs to address this before his opponents do.  I suggest the slogan: “Barack:  He’s the o-BOMB-a.”  Own it, you know?  What’s good about Obama is that he can offer this country something that no president before him could.  A president who looks good in skinny jeans.  I know what you’re thinking.  Millard Fillmore, right?  No way.  Millard Fillmore was way too hippy for skinny jeans.  Nice try though.  Also, Obama looks like the kind of guy who if you farted in front of him he’d totally laugh with you instead of at you, which is nice.

In conclusion, I think Obama is pretty much the clear choice except that I heard on the radio that some religious guy who Obama knew once said that some people are racist.  I don’t know why that matters but apparently whatever people who know you say = what you must think.  And by that reasoning that means that I am “seriously ‘fustrated’  about the lack of bars open at 9am” and “want to know where all the hot teenagers hang out”.  Awesome.  Thanks a lot, Uncle Frank.

Comments

[Jo MacD]

Oh no! Now I have a visual image of Obama in skinny jeans... mmmmm...

[Jeff]

Awesome. I would take out a huge sub-prime loan and donate it to Obama to see Hillary's head shoot off like that.

[Ed T.]

zOMG! The Bloggess is spreading through the blogosphere, like some sort of virus or something! Before we know it, EVERY BLOG will have a guest-post by The Bloggess!

(I know what is going on: she is trying to TAKE OVER THE INTARWEBS. Get your tinfoil hats out, we have to stop this. Before it is too...)

~EdT.

[HRH]

Oh, skinny jeans were made for Obama? I was wondering since they don't look good on anyone else.

[Woodlandmama]

It is very important to have a president you can fart in front of because whenever I hang out with the presidents, we hangout and eat a lot of bean burritos.

[Just A. Reader]

Well, of course Hillary gives bad blow jobs! If she didn't, would Lewinsky be a household name? No! We need a president who knows how to polish off a Popsicle. Now, where do you think is the best place to learn that? Hmmmm? Vote for the ex-con!

[carrie]

Skinny jeans... that is hysterical!

[Maggie, dammit]

The Bloggess is the Bombess. You are right to recognize her as such. Now I finally know who I will vote for.

[Sayre]

I can solve the O-Bomb-uh issue. Being a Southerner, I noticed that his name is spelled o-BAMA.... just pronounce it the same way the University of Alabama does... Might get him a few more votes, too.

[Value wIT]

I'm thinking Uncle Frank for Pres.

[Jenny, Bloggess]

Oh my God, Value wIT. Don't encourage him.

Lucky for you Uncle Frank can't read.

[Daisy]

Ah, humor! Thanks, Uncle Frank, we needed that. Now can I have a G&T? It's lunchtime!

[Greta]

Ok...but what happens if Obama farts in his skinny jeans? Are we supposed to laugh with him. Frankly (and I'm pretty sure that adverb was invented JUST for your Uncle Frank...incidentally, I've gone one of those too...he doesn't so much drink all the time, but he does mumble alot and he likes to make stinky smoked catfish and gets offended that the rest of us won't eat it...it's gross), I'd rather laugh AT him for that. I think that's really what the bomb in the midle of his name is all about.

[MammaLoves]

Girl, you need your own show or network or magazine or something.

And next time you're in a bunch of bloggers and some crazy brunette comes up and kisses you fully on the lips, it's just me. Cause seriously...

[Glennia]

Isn't Uncle Frank our current President?

[Amy]

Bloggess you are the o-BOMB-a!

[Simon]

Speaking as a European, it’s heartening to see Americans engaged in such considered debate as to who will be the next leader of the free world. We can sleep a little easier, knowing that you are on the case.

Thank you, Bloggess.

[Kat]

Ohmigosh, you are such a profound pun-DEET, Ms. Jenny!

[Casie]

Your the bestest pudeet eveah.

[Unrepentant Gallivanter]

I LOVE how you have broken down the issues to what REALLY matters! Awesome.

[xiaolinmama]

farting, skinny jeans and bars open at 9am... holy shit! that was the funniest thing ever. I am bowing down to your brilliance!

[Kathryn]

Ha! Loves.

[Ed T.]

MOMocrats, I am here to warn you that you are in the process of being Bloggessed. If you have extra A/C in your server room, you might want to crank it up... I have seen many a good server literally *melt* under the increased load of all the hits.

~EdT.

[debbie]

Ed T. is totally in love with you, Jenny. Ed T., dude, I *dare* you to ask her out on a date. And all you have to do to get her to say yes is promise you know someone who knows someone who can get those bars to stay open 'round the clock. TRUST me on this one.

p.s. Ed T.: get in line, is what I actually meant.

[Jeremiah]

You heard McCain was in Jail? You might want to check that out before you blog about it. You might also want to check out the Whole Jeremiah Wright thing that you alluded to. This isn't american idol. If you are going to get involved in politics, you should have some idea what you are voting for.