Guest Post: Jenny, The Bloggess Breaks It Down For You

The MOMocrats happened upon the very first political post of the very famous Jenny, The Bloggess, and she kawasakied us by writing back.  We invited her over to share her thoughts on the election, from the vantage point of the average mom who is not watching the Span 24/7 like we are. 

So recently the MOMocrats discovered my astute political commentary and offered me a small soapbox on which to vent my spleen (horrible phrase).  I suspect they were wooed over by quotes like this:

“I’m going to be a political pundit but I’m going to pronounce it like “pundeet” because that sounds sexier. I haven’t decided who I’m going to vote for but I’m thinking either the chick or the black guy. Probably not the chick though because she seems kind of bitchy. Like she’d be all nice to your face but then she’d get you black-balled from the country club. Like I’d even want to join your stupid country club, Hillary. Yeah, I’d totally vote for the black guy. By the way, isn’t he half white? Why do we always call him black? That’s weird. These are the kind of hard-hitting posts you can expect from me in the coming months. Also, someone tell me how to register to vote.”

Anyway, turns out that there are lots of moms who (like me) didn’t know what a “Republican” was until last week and that’s why I’ve decided to do a little educating on the candidates.

McCain.  First of all, I don’t like him.  He has a capital C in the middle of his name which is confusing and also pretentious.  Secondly, I heard he was in jail.  I mean, some of my closest relatives are ex-cons but that doesn’t mean they should run the country.  Frankly these are pretty much the last people that should have access to nuclear weapons.  Most of them can’t even stay sober through breakfast.  (I’m looking at you, Uncle Frank.)

Hillary.  I bet she gives really bad blow jobs.  I mean, it’s not entirely applicable to the job but seriously?  She looks like she just ate a big bag of lemons or is constantly kegeling.  She’s like a giant clenched muscle all the time.  Like if you lobbed an impossible-to-solve paradox at her in a debate she’d probably start shaking and her head would shoot off.  She’s smart though and I bet she’d be cool if she was drunk.  Unfortunately you can’t be drunk all the time (Uncle Frank) and so that’s why I can’t vote for her. 

Obama.  O-bomb-uh.  There’s a bomb in the middle of his name.  Personally I think his team needs to address this before his opponents do.  I suggest the slogan: “Barack:  He’s the o-BOMB-a.”  Own it, you know?  What’s good about Obama is that he can offer this country something that no president before him could.  A president who looks good in skinny jeans.  I know what you’re thinking.  Millard Fillmore, right?  No way.  Millard Fillmore was way too hippy for skinny jeans.  Nice try though.  Also, Obama looks like the kind of guy who if you farted in front of him he’d totally laugh with you instead of at you, which is nice.

In conclusion, I think Obama is pretty much the clear choice except that I heard on the radio that some religious guy who Obama knew once said that some people are racist.  I don’t know why that matters but apparently whatever people who know you say = what you must think.  And by that reasoning that means that I am “seriously ‘fustrated’  about the lack of bars open at 9am” and “want to know where all the hot teenagers hang out”.  Awesome.  Thanks a lot, Uncle Frank.

Comments

[jenn]

Oh, Debbie. It's tongue in cheek. As in, not meant to be taken seriously. And I thought it was hilarious.

[Jenny, Bloggess]

Jeremiah, this is the best comment I've gotten all day. I'm not sure if you're serious or not but I hope you are because that makes it even more awesome.

PS. I noticed you spelled "American" with a lower case "a". I can only conclude that you are some kind of an underground communist who wants to destroy our country. For shame, Jeremiah. For shame.

[pookie addams]

love the article. "Barak" sounds like when this secretary at work belches when she thinks no one is around.

[Jenny, Bloggess]

Jeremiah, that is the best comment I think I've ever gotten. I don't know if you're serious but I hope you are because that makes it even more awesome.

PS. I noticed you chose to spell "American" with a lower case "a" which I think is a pretty good indication that you are some sort of dangerous communist bent on destroy America. For shame, Jeremiah. For shame. John McCain didn't escape from prison just so you could bash his country.

[Lotta]

Oh good Lord. This post was worth if only to read "constantly kegeling" as a description for Hillary Clinton. When do we see you on CNN?

[Piglet]

oh my word, i see there is an idiot on the loose here.

i'm with debbie, we're all getting in line to date the bloggess. she's on fire. and by fire, i mean smoking hot. and? i heard she (kind of) got stabbed in the face by the nightstalker.

we should just go ahead and make jenny our queen.

[Beth from The Funny Farm]

Oh.. MY FREAKING FUNNY BONE!!! Hummm... decisions, decisions!

A Question:
Is it a bad thing to give bad B. jobs?

Not saying... just asking... **snicker, snort!**

[Just A. Reader]

It had to happen. Jeremiah is the first one who doesn't understand the American political system. Shall we waterboard him? Or at least boogieboard him? Ironingboard?

[Lawyer Mama]

Babe, I think I love you.

Wanna come to the Democratic National Convention with us? Because with your reporting, we could take over the world!

(And maybe you could make some contacts to help out the next time your Uncle Frank ends up in jail for statutory rape or public drunkenness at 10am.)

[Lawyer Mama]

Oh & I demand you pick a quote of the day. I nominate Jeremiah.

[debbie]

Jeremiah, I am loathe to confess to being politically aware, but I must come out of the shadows and defend Jenny's words.

McCain went to jail, yes, although this is highly classified information, as a POW. In Vietnam. It's all been very hush-hush, so you may not be able to find any information about it on those sketchy innertubes. Er, inner nets. Whatever.

And Jeremiah Wright? Dude. When McCain gets to wear Bush like a waist-bracelet? BUSH? Of Bush-Cheney infamy? Of starting-an-illegal-occupation and ruining-our-economy and tearing-our-country-apart lore?

COME. ON. DUDE. Because, seriously, this isn't American Idol. If you're going to get involved in politics, you should have some idea what you are voting for. (To, uh, paraphrase.)

[Megan]

I have a capital C in the middle of my name. I had no idea this was considered pretentious. I'm going to City Hall tomorrow and having it dropped completely.

[Hatchet]

Jenny, your pundeetry is faaaabulous.

Tell me, though, do McCain and Obama look like they could do a good BJ? Because you know we have to hold all three to the same standards.

[Jeremiah]

OK, let's say that she was referring to McCain's time in a prison camp as "being in jail". She has relatives that are Ex Cons (read Vietnam POW's). That's what she was saying? She admitted to not having specifics about the Wright issue. Which only played constantly for about 2 weeks in every news media.
Here's my deal. If you are informed, I can respect your position. Even if I don't agree with it. If not, I hope you get that sorted out. It's too important of an issue.
A couple of side notes. the lower a in American was only a typo, and I'm not real happy about voting for McCain. It doesn't seem like I have any better choice.

[Ed T.]

Jeremiah, dude, please chill out before a blood vessel somewhere goes *POP*. Seriously, cause bleeding all over this blog would make it red, and given the name "MOMocrats" I am guessing it is Blue country in these here parts. Jenny's post is political *satire*, sort of like Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. Except with a whole lot more naughty words.

In other words. She is a funny woman. And I have proof! A really famous Guy recently said:

"this woman is funny:"

And since it is on the Internets (http://twitter.com/guykawasaki/statuses/758926672), it MUST be true!

Of course, if you happen to think that Colbert and Stewart are *serious* political commentators, you might stop and consider just why it is they are on the *Comedy* Channel. Just a suggestion.

~EdT.

[ktjrdn]

First of all, I can't believe you got me to come to this Democrat site, Jenny. Such is my love for you, I guess.

Secondly, I think it's hilarious that some people are actually leaving serious comments about your commentary. get a sense of humor people.

[Kregg]

If Hillary can't please me orally, she can't do it economically.
Let's not hate on McCain because of an Initial. Let's hate on him because his last name is McCain, which means he is owned by McDonalds like McNuggets of Fillet o' McFish...McDonalds is extremely unhealthy...follow me? I'm honestly suprised no one else has caught onto this.
Yo' mamma vote Obama.He's cool, but I am pretty sure he is the Antichrist (and yes, I have researched this pretentious political guy.) But despite this fact, he can wear skinny jeans and that might be enough.Also, if he is half and half, maybe we should call him "Blite", but not "Whack" because that would be racist like that preacher.
Let's vote for Chelsea because she's looking pretty hot.

[melissa]

My god, you are my favorite pundeet.

[Kyla]

Yup. I love you. You're my favorite pundeet.

And Jeremiah? It's meant to be FUNNY, not accurate. I mean, except the Uncle Frank thing. Unfortunately for Jenny, that's true. ;)

[Headless Mom]

Oh Jerimiah-you really don't get it, do you?

Jenny, you're brilliantly funny. I'd say that I want to lick you but people might start to talk....Obviously some here (*Ahem, Jeriemiah*) don't live in The Bloggess' World.

Much larger than the Kawasaki World. I looked it up.

[Johanna]

Oh My!

Jenny's post made me smile but Kregg's comments really brought out the giggles!

[Haley-O]

I am on the floor (laughing, that is), and I'm Canadian. Never mind Obama -- The Blogess is da bomb!!!

[Carrie]

Thank you Jenny, you make it so much easier!

[Just A. Reader]

Jeremiah is desperately in need of a BJ.
Jeremiah, dude, go see the ex-con. He'll help you release some of that bottled-up tension.

[imelda]

The comments are just as funny as Jenny!

Love Love Love The Bloggess!