My problem with Hillary Clinton: It's personal.

My absentee ballot, sent in weeks ago.

I'm trying to formulate my thoughts about why couldn't/can't support Hillary Clinton and I'm realizing that my reasons trascend the political and are, of course, extremely personal and, at the end of the day, probably say more about me than her. (Edited to add: Hillary supporters remember that phrase: my reasons...say more about me than her.)

It all comes down to two things: cheating and character.

If you have never had a cheating affect you directly then you probably won't understand.

The first time I remember being aware of Hillary Clinton was in 1992 when she and then Governor Bill Clinton went on 60 Minutes to address his alleged affair with Gennifer Flowers and his alleged other inappropriate extra-marital relationships. I think Hillary was wearing a blue suit and that godawful headband. I remember feeling very uncomfortable listening to Bill not answer the question "Did you have an affair?" 26 ways from Sunday. I squirmed.

Bill Clinton was never my first pick for president (I was an idealistic, fresh-out-of-college Green Party member back then), and I sat there watching and getting increasingly more frustrated with his inability to give a definitive answer to the question. This was my first taste of "Slick Willy," and my first real exposure to Hillary. I could not believe that Hillary just sat there there allowing herself to made a fool of by her husband. I felt sorry for her.

In 1992, I was a year and half out of college and about three years out of a long-term relationship where I discovered my boyfriend had cheated on me. We stuck it out for a year beyond that, but I never trusted him again. But worse than that, I didn't trust myself because the person I believed in turned out to be a liar. That experience crushed my self-esteem and it took three years of clawing and scraping to climb back up to feeling good about myself again. I vowed that if I was ever in a relationship and was cheated on, that would be the end of that.

Additionally, my dad had multiple affairs while he was married to my mom. She had the strength and courage in the early 70's to finally leave him, and she was a single mom with two kids under the age of five. When I was old enough to ask my dad why he cheated on my mom, his response was, "It's a man's prerogative." Have I mentioned that he's Italian? That was hard for a teenager to take, but even then I remember thinking, "You're an asshole."

So I sat there that Sunday evening and watched this woman say she was "no Tammy Wynette." and I knew and she knew—we all knew—that by choosing to stand by her man, some kind of deal must have been struck. How could she not be crushed? How could she pick herself back up...then go back to that womanizer? Was she suffering from Stockholm Syndrome? I lost respect for her that day. (P.S. I am a feminist. When I hear women fawning all over Bill Clinton I want to throw. up. Here is a man who used his power and stature to try and silence and discredit countless women who tried to speak out, and people believed him, not them. And he's married to Hillary.)

Then Bill Clinton was elected president, twice, and we all know what happened then. Accusations. Scandals. Monica Lewinsky. For me, the Clintons were tainted. Bad juju. Especially since they always seemed to emerge from every scandal unscathed. I simply cannot separate them from their scandals and if I were a big conspiracy junkie, well, I'd be downright frightened of them.

The last straw for me was Hillary deciding to run for Senate and the Clintons moving to a state just because it was there that she had the best shot at it. I wondered why a couple with deeper connections to the midwest and the south would choose to live in New York? That move was not without its scandals as well; they had supporters donate furniture for their new house (which I think is an uncouth practice), and even appropriated some furniture from the White House for their new home before being called on it. Oops! Major character issues here.

My feelings of indifference and disappointment towards Hillary Clinton run long and deep. If she had kicked Bill to the curb, I might be supporting her now. Someone who claims to stand up and be voice for women doesn't stick with a cheater. Every marriage has issues and sometimes those issues require hard work. But cheating? That's a deal-breaker for me. That's not the example I want to set for my children.

If she had run for U.S. Senate in Arkansas or Illinois, I might be supporting her now.

If she hadn't voted to deem the Iranian National Guard a terroritst organization, I might be supporting her now.

If she had apologized for her vote to authorize the war in Iraq, I might be supporting her now.

If I didn't feel she had a seriously flawed character, I might be supporting her now.

She showed me what she was made of. And I didn't like what I saw.

Now, I realize that no one is perfect, especially not politicians. I could rattle off a long list of politicians who did some heinous things but were still elected, but I can't separate my heart from my head. As long as I get to vote, I'm voting for someone I admire.

I haven't given much thought to this being a historical election. When I made my decision to support John Edwards. I looked at the issues. I watched the debates. I have never felt that because of my mixed race or gender that I had to align myself with a candidate for that reason alone. I don't feel I am compromising anything by not picking one or the other. The best candidate for president suspended his bid yesterday and now I have to choose. Before it was easy. Now I feel forced. Caged. I don't like that feeling. I want to support my Democratic candidate and I will. Whatever it takes to get a Democrat into the White House I will do.

I have big problems with Barack, too, but in terms of who is more inspiring he wins hands down. Hillary doesn't inspire me. She doesn't speak for me. I associate her corporations, lobbyists, power grabs and having to curry favors. If she wants me to sit up and take notice, she's going to have seem less like a neocon and more like a progressive agent of change.

The way she and her husband have conducted themselves in this campaign has been appalling. Sending our her attack dog husband to stir the shit? No thanks. Engaging in nit-picky personal attacks during a debate? Instant turn off. Claiming victory in Florida? Smarmy. Whining that she's been snubbed because Obama didn't shake her hand at the State of the Union? What are we, in junior high? No, this is the presidency that is at stake here. So when is she going to start conducting herself like one?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, Hillary—we started out badly. You never had a chance with me. To change my mind, you're going to have to do a lot more than adopt John Edwards' talking points. You're going to have to make me believe you care about this country and everyone in it, because right now I don't.

But if I have to, I'll vote for you.

Comments

[mdstblz]

You nailed my ambivalence about her on the head...

[Glennia]

You've expressed perfectly my disgust with Bill Clinton. I have never gotten over him looking me in the eye (via the camera) and saying, "I never had sex with that woman" knowing full-well that he had. I have forgiven him somewhat due to the stellar work that the Clinton Foundation has done to bring AIDS meds to Africa, but not enough to want him to be in the White House again.

If Hillary had divorced him, I would probably be supporting her. He's not an asset, in my book.

[Mari]

Like you, I had been rooting for Edwards. For me, Obama hasn't shown enough substance, and Hillary has credibility issues and baggage. Similarly, Bill and Hillary's relationship is not something I admire.

I have not experienced infidelity (to my knowledge), so maybe many would feel my opinion is less valid. However, while I agree with you on many points about her character, the one sentence that jumped out at me was, "Someone who claims to stand up and be voice for women doesn't stick with a cheater."

Being a voice for women means allowing women to make choices for themselves. Many American women make the choice to stick with cheaters, for a variety of reasons that personal to their own situations; while I would bet dollars to doughnuts that the Clintons stayed together for largely political purposes, I am not going to say she can't represent women because she made I choice I disliked.

There are many women who are denigrated for their choices to stay after a spouse's infidelity, as if their choice makes them weak and oppressed without a doubt. Like the so-called Mommy Wars, I think it an unfair pitting of women against other women, and is actually counter to feminist ideals. Choices about marriage, children or not, daycare or not, are in my mind not ones I feel comfortable saying, "This is the only respectable way."

It doesn't mean I have to like Hillary personally. However, my issues with her relate to her ethical decisions, not her marital choices. Which brings me back to your point that we can be disappointed and cynical about all the candidates (even my beloved Edwards) and their flaws.

[Stefania/CityMama]

Mari, I hear you. Who knows how the Clintons define their relationship (only they do) and I do believe that a committed partnership can be whatever the people in that partnership decide. HOWEVER, if they do have an open marriage why not just say so? They haven't and so it appears that Clinton is a repeat cheater. It's up to her to stand up and say otherwise. And she hasn't. Maybe that's what I should have said, "Someone who sticks by a repeat cheater isn't standing up for women."

[KL]

I agree with you 200% about Hillary. Throughout her entire tenure in the public, she has done not one thing that made me think: "yeah, she believes that, yeah, she's passionate about that." Everything has been: "yeah, she's doing that so she can be President." Frankly, I'm afraid of what she'll be like once she's President. Once she has nothing more to strive for (assuming we don't create a position of Supreme President of the World in the next few decades), what are her real positions. And given how in bed she is with corporate (and specifically, financial) interests, I don't see why she wouldn't just hand the country over to them lock, stock and barrel.

I have to admit that, to some degree, I am a Obama supporter because I am anti-Clinton. I wish that he could have waited another 4-8 years, get some experience in the national politics, before he entered the executive race. But I certainly did not want Hillary to run without any strong opponents. I am curious, though, do any of you think that the votes would have been more 50/50 Hillary/Edwards had Obama stayed out of the race? As it turns out, I couldn't support Edwards because I'm ultimately more centrist than he is. I too used to be a member of the Green party (ah, the days of voting for Nader), but, as my friends have told me repeatedly, I have sold out to the man. :(

[thisKat]

Stefania, I totally understand how you came to this place. When we first discussed this on your blog--over a year ago?--I didn't get it at first, but now I do. It's one of those things that just *is* for you, and we all have those.

If Hillary was my friend or neighbor, I might bother to have an opinion about her marriage. But she's not so I don't care what the Clintons do in their personal life. I think Bill was unfathomably stupid to carry on with his extramarital affairs while in the White House and he looked weak and pathetic for lying about it all. He sqaundered one of those rare times in American history when we could have furthered so many progressive ideas. On the other hand, the thing that I always go back to: Why were we asking the questions about their marriage in the first place? Who cares?

It was the bloodthirsty GOP who crafted this witchunt against Bill. Their favorite tactic when they can't do anything good for this country is to make the other side look bad. And I won't let them define my choices. One reason I want Hillary is there isn't anything they can say about her that we haven't already heard. And if and when she gets into office she'll be the one with skin thick enough to resist their flailing accusations and just keep on running the country. Barack? I'm not so sure he's ready for that. And I don't doubt for a second they'll go after him if they get the chance. They're just biding their time.

But I agree both Hillary and Barack are behaving horribly and I hope they wake up and realize they're alienating more and more people every day. As of now I just plan to show up and vote and just be happy our George Bush nightmare is soon over.

[dstarr]

While I would LOVE to see a woman as president, I just can't bring myself to support Hillary for 2 main reasons.

The first problem I have with the possibility of Clinton as prez is not even personality or issue related. It is what I call the 'dynasty issue.' If she were elected, there would be only 2 families leading this country in the span of 24 (or possibly more) years. A QUARTER OF A CENTURY of either a Bush or a Clinton. I WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Hopefully it will be more than in name only. (And yes, I already have nightmares about Jeb Bush prepping himself for a run during the next election.)

The second problem I have is the divisiveness that her name brings. Ever since the failed health care reform of 90's, the mere mention of her name causes more than a few people to immediately fall into a hateful tirade. Probably a knee-jerk reaction on the part of the Hillary Haters, but it still exists. Our country deserves someone who can bring us together. She has garnered too many Hillary Haters, whether they dislike her for the roles she played during her husband's presidency, or her part in the financial scandals, or the way should stood by while her husband dawdled with other women, or the way she went to NY just so she could run for Senate, or ...

I, too, am struggling with the choices. I hope a candidate can really stand up and stand out -- SOON!

[Leslie]

I have never cared about the Clinton marriage. I also realize that what is an issue to me, isn't an issue in other relationships. Nor should Bill's philandering ever really been made public, or maybe the American public can reject that sort of coverage and demand more responsibility from our media.

About the Clintons, I felt that they were two amazingly bright and intellectually curious people with a clear vision and some hefty goals. You would likely never have known much about their marriage either if the Republican media blitz hadn't dug for the dirt. And at the end of the day, it was a pretty sweet 8 years. They rocked.
Hillary's a dynamo. She's politically saavy -- hello, what a nice change -- She's done some impressive committee work in the senate and she's aggressive and inquisitive. She knows exactly what she's getting into. Why not get on board and admire that tenacity? I sure do. And I'm sure that their marriage is an exciting one. The brightest people make it work. She probably forgives a little infidelity when there's so much more at hand. I know I would.

[Mom101]

I think this is a very brave post. I admire your honesty in opening up about your past, and can see how your own emotional past connects you to this situation in a very uncomfortable way.

But I know several strong, Feminist women whose marriages survived infidelity, gambling, alcoholism...I don't feel like I can assail their character or determine their ability to perform at work simply because of it. Relationships are complex and unique, and not every marriage works for the same reason yours or mine does. I also, as a mother, look at how amazing Chelsea has turned out, the choices she's making in terms of boyfriends, and to me, that says more about how Bill and Hillary functioned as a family unit.

As an aside, you might consider reading the book Blinded by the Right by David Brock which describes in great detail, from a former republican operative experiencing a crisis of conscience, the degree to which the "scandal" around Clinton was fabricated and untrue. Do you know there was no such thing as Troopergate? Never happened. But we're all stuck with that bad taste in our mouth of a guy who supposedly used State Troopers to procure him women. They've proven that Paula Jones was never even in Arkansas the night she claims to have been propositioned. Millions of taxpayer dollars went into investigating Whitewater to turn up...nothing. The smear campaign against Clinton was Karl Rove at his evil best. KitKat said it well - I won't let the most unsavory members of the GOP determine my choices.

[Brenda]

Hillary and Bill had a child living at home during all of that. Do you really fault a woman for choosing to keep her family together, and her child's father in the home, rather than divorce him for indiscretions that she *had* to have known were part of his character all along. Her ability to forgive and forget makes her a bad role model for women?! Wow.

I've been married for 7 years and I know already that the nature of my relationship with my husband has undergone a subtle evolution. I can totally believe and accept that a married couple can move from being romantic partners to being partners in ambition, partners in passion about our country, partners in working as a team to help each other achieve their goals. It's none of our business why they stayed together. They are making it work and good for them.

All that said, I agree that she has not conducted herself well in this campaign and I'm probably not going to vote for her. But I'm appalled that the whole keeping her marriage alive thing would be a reason, for anyone, NOT to vote for someone.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Wow. I feel almost exactly the same way. I've been thinking about how guilty I feel about not supoorting the woman (I think I am going to write about it on DC Metro Moms, or maybe my own blog) but she is just so hard to like.

Sure, I'll probably vote for her if she gets the nomination, but right now I'm leaning towards Obama.

[Stefania/CityMama]

Brenda, I could not forgive and forget. This is what I am saying when I say that my reasoning says more about me than it does her. If my husband cheated today, he'd be out the door kids or no kids.

MOM-101/ardent Hillary supporters: I understand your points and I am listening to everyone. People will always say "feminists do this," feminists do that." Everyone has their own definition of what a feminist is. I personally think it was pretty "feminist" of Monica Lewinsky to save that Gap dress so there you go. Picking a candidate is always personal and I can't help my feelings at this point in time. This is not the first time I have been so active in/passionate about a presidential campaign. This workshopping/processing is part of my normal process every 4 years. I do realize that the Karl Rove/GOP had their sights on the Clintons the entire 8 years. And despite the whole Lewinsky thing I really was aghast during the whole impeachment process. It was totally unnecessary. Trust me, I have never aligned myself with the right wing. I just don't buy that Hillary is sincere about everything she says she will do. She (one of her pacs) just accepted $600k from Rupert Murdoch. I can't separate her from lobbyists, corporations, and "being bought." And I wonder what she will have to do in return for the money.

That said--I have huge issues with Obama as well. So this is hard.

I'm listening to everything, I really am. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I so appreciate it!

[Brenda]

Stephanie,
Of course you are entitled to your personal feelings and opinion and I don't intend to invalidate that. Just sharing a different perspective that, to me, a blow job doesn't meet my definition of "cheating" when it comes to a marriage, with a child, that has lasted as long as theirs has.

I'm also coming from a personal perspective of having been in a marriage (now divorced and very happily remarried) in which I went through a time of actually asking my husband to have an affair because I still liked him as a friend and wanted to raise our child together but I no longer wanted him sexually or emotionally.

[Brenda]

Woops! I apologize for misspelling your name, Stefania.

[Trish]

This was a really thought provoking post. On the one hand I disagree with your reasons to not vote for Hilary but on the other hand? The title of your post says it all. It's your personal choice. I grew up in a family who are very politically aware, and my older sister was particularly active, not as a politician but as a senior advisor to a member of parliament for many years. My younger brother was never really interested in politics but in this country (Australia) voting is compulsory so it's important for everyone to be well informed. But many people aren't, and this was something that my sister could barely tolerate; it killed her that my brother just wasn't into it, and didn't give much thought to who he would vote for. How can you vote with good conscience when you don't know about the candidates?! How can you make such an important decision based on which candidates' spin-doctored personality you like most?! My poor sister, she lost a lot of sleep over the fact that millions of comparatively poorly informed voters were getting to decide whether or not her boss would get to keep his seat in parliament. But that's how this whole thing works, isn't it? Every person gets to make their own choice, whether it's based on flawed logic or very little insight or limited research or ten years' worth of experience as a political operative. It can be frustrating for some people to see their friends (or bloggers) support a candidate for reasons that they consider invalid, but at the end of the day we all have to make our choices and be happy with them. Stay with your unfaithful husband or not, vote for Hilary or not. It's your choice and I'll never get tired of saying that we should all just respect each other's choices and be happy that we have choices at all.

[LizP]

You have put into words a lot of the uneasiness I feel about Hillary. Since you voted for Edwards by absentee ballot, technically you don't have to choose, you've already chosen. Then the question is, who will you vote for in November? I am pretty sure it won't be for the Republican candidate :-) But will you default to whoever gets the Democratic nomination?

[Amy S.]

These are all the reasons why my husband will never support Hillary Clinton and would sooner vote for a Republican than vote for her.

Unfortunately, I don't think he's alone, which makes me seriously question her electability in a general election.

[Dawn]

out of everything - it's the point about moving to New York to run for senator - I always thought that was sleazy.

[phil]

Many find Hillary's move to New York dirty, but don't people do that all the time in our 'civilian' world? Leave our city for another where the job will pay more/take you further/grants the opportunity, whatever it is. In the end, I don't see how this is different except that this is Hillary in politics.

Also, on the "feminist" point, regardless of what happened behind closed doors, she made a decision that worked for her family. They raised an intelligent, successful daughter, together. What a difficult choice that must've been. I'm sure that her ego, pride and self esteem were devastated in ways that we can't imagine - and the WHOLE WORLD saw it. I respect a woman's right to opt for her own well-being - in all areas, and believe that this in itself is feminism.

Under the 'umbrella label' though, let's not forget that early 19th century feminists were pro-life, their late 19th century counterparts likened abortion to infanticide and successfully lobbied to make abortion illegal, until it was once again overturned in Roe v. Wade.