Iraq: Explaining War To Our Children

How do you explain war to a 3 year old?

Sure, Hollis will make pretty much anything (even his railroad track parts) into a sword and, much to my chagrin, he pretends to shoot people all the time.  But at this age he really has no concept of death, aside from the demise of his cat.

The whole discussion started because T is preparing for an exercise with his Navy reserve unit.  (The last one he will ever participate in before retiring.  WOOHOO!) While he was getting his uniforms ready, Hollis asked him what an army was and if he could see a picture of one on the computer.

Aside from being amazed at his early grasp of the power of The Google, I realized that I hadn't shown Hollis any pictures of Uncle B lately.  You see, "Uncle B" is off in the Middle East having a grand old time in the insane heat, sand and dust.  B's unit has a photo page for friends and family, so I showed Hollis a few of Uncle B that I had found.

Then Hollis requested a photo of an "Army truck."  So we looked at a few shots of Humvees.  On the back of each vehicle is a large sign with two stop signs and a message in Arabic and English.  It reads "DANGER STAY BACK."  Hollis, being in the midst of the Age of Why, wanted to know why they had the signs there.  Oof. 

I tried the standard, "Well, cars and people could get hurt by that big Army truck if they get too close."  He wasn't buying it, pointing out that tractors are bigger.  So I stupidly said, "Sometimes bad people try to get too close to the trucks and blow them up."

Geez, louise, Steph.  What were you thinking?

Hollis, was understandably a bit upset and wanted to know why bad people would want to hurt Uncle B and he also wanted to know where the bad people are.  That led to a whole toddler level discussion about Uncle B trying to make sure that bad people don't hurt anyone ever again.  I couldn't bring myself to try to tell a 3 year old that they want to blow soldiers up to get us out of the Middle East, where we shouldn't be in the first place.  That sometimes, we are the bad people.

Hollis barely understands what a country is, let alone a foreign one.  When I recently told him he lived in the United States he insisted, "No, Mommy, I live in Chesapeake."  He also barely understands the concept of God, let alone that there can be different ideas of God taken seriously enough to kill. But he knows that he doesn't want anyone to be hurt.

If only our current President felt the same way.  He could learn something from my toddler.

This isn't one of those stories where I tie everything up with a neat little parenting or policy bow at the end.  I honestly have no idea how to handle his questions.  I'm just muddling through the best I can without forcing my little man to grow up to the realities of this cruel world too soon.

If someone's going to write yet another parenting manual, I hope they deal with this, the hard stuff, instead of how to handle picking a preschool, educational toys, and the occasional time out.  Because that stuff was a cake walk compared to discussing war.

**Photo from the Golf 237 web site by photographer PFC Joseph Lyons. Uncle B is the soldier with the neon yellow strap.

Cross posted at Lawyer Mama.

Comments

[jaelithe]

I was trying to explain the war to my son just the other night, and having a heck of a time. I didn't really talk to him about killing; I talked to him about people having their houses broken by bombs, etc. I DID tell him I thought that we were fighting a wrong war, a war without good reason, and that one of the reasons Mommy and Daddy had been going to so many meetings lately was because we were trying to stop it. And then he started to cry and he asked me if that made HIM a bad guy, for being part of a country that was waging a wrong war, or for missing his parents while they were gone trying to stop a wrong war, and I felt terrible.

It's really hard to explain a point of view that is not black-and-white good v. bad to someone who just turned four.

I wonder how the Iraqi mothers explain it to their three-year-olds. I think they have a much harder task than we do.

[cynematic]

I'm at a loss to explain war and why we're in Iraq also. Why guns and bombs hurt people, and why we use them. Why anyone uses them.

It doesn't get any easier explaining to a 4.5 year old either, when they start making their hands into guns and "shooting" people.

All I know is that I don't want anyone harmed or harming in my name. It's exhausting and I'm not sure what we've gained from it--strategically, security-wise, or to be crass about it...in terms of the price of oil.

So I'm right there with you keeping up hope that "Uncle B" doesn't get called to serve, that people already over there return safely, and that maybe if we're lucky, in our kids' lifetimes war will be obsolete.

[Debbie]

oh, babe.

thank you for this post, for bravely saying these things, for being so brave about your brother, and for trying to explain something that even we adults can barely wrap our heads around.

(and I'm SO DAMN GLAD that T gets to retire soon. !!)

[Emily R]

Having the same issue. I stupidly mentioned the war to Zach in hopes of three minutes of NPR. Now, whenever we pass that spot on the road (EVERY DAY), he says, "Mommy, the warf is still going on." Today, he suggested that perhaps the Iraqis had tried to hit Bush and that's why he started the war. So, if you find an answer, please let me know. I am already stressed enough by his questions about how, specifically, the doctors plan on getting the baby out.

[Amy in Ohio]

Quick, can we end all of this before my daughter starts asking these questions?

Great post - having an almost 2-year old, I haven't begun to wonder how I will explain this state of the world to her.

On a happier note - congrats to T on retirement. Please send him our thanks.

[Spc Lasse Larsen]

Im a Soldier though i might not agree with some of your political points i dont know how to tell my 6 year old brother and my 3 year old daughter that i have killed other men every time i come home its the first and most prelevant question if any one has an answer please id be grateful