Sarah Palin's family values? Not mine.

"I don't know any women like Sarah Palin."

The first sentence of Christine Wicker's blog post grabbed me, because it's also true for me. I, too, don't know any women with five children. I'm not close to any women with more than four children who work full-time outside the home. I'm not close friends with anyone who has had a baby when they were younger than, say, 24. I'm not friends with anyone who has been "born again." I can't think of anyone inside my closest circle of friends who attends an Evangelical Christian church. I live in a blue state, in a very liberal community, and am a member of a very progressive, LGBT-friendly, social justice-oriented, pro-peace Unitarian church.

We couldn't be further apart.

We are both mothers. Both of us juggle work and family life. But that's where the similarities end.

A week ago, I knew nothing of Sarah Palin. Since then I've learned—we've all learned—about her Evangelical roots, her pro-abstinence, anti-choice beliefs, and we're having to weigh all that against the news that her 17-year-old daughter Bristol—presumably raised with Palin's values—is five months pregnant.

The Palins are no doubt a loving family. Their statement announcing the news that Bristol was pregnant was beautiful and pitch-perfect and even admirable in the face of so much inevitable criticism and gossip.

But ever since the announcement, something has been bothering me.  I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I read Wicker's words:

I don't know any women who would have agreed to run for vice-president of the United States knowing that their ambition would expose their unmarried, pregnant teenager to national publicity.

Issuing a statement that said her daughter would have to grow up too soon wouldn't have been nearly enough for the mothers I know. They wouldn't think that a quickie marriage between two teenagers would make everything fine. They would be soul-searching, repenting, anguishing over how they had contributed to this disaster.

...It's just that that she is outside my experience. I don't know any mothers who would have accepted McCain's offer knowing what Sarah Palin is said to have known. If the pregnancy had surprised them after their acceptance, they would be taking as much blame on themselves as they could, shielding their daughter, berating themselves, deflecting attention from their darling child. Publicly.

I respect Sarah Palin's choice to be a working mother, that has never been and never will be my issue with her, but what I do not respect is her choice—and her husband's choice—to shove Bristol Palin (and now her young fiancé) into the spotlight. Unlike Wicker, I don't know if all my friends who are mothers would have turned down the offer to be Vice President, but I know I certainly would have. I quit a job last year to spend more time with my young girls, and while my family took a big financial hit, I didn't regret it for a moment. Me, the progresssive, educated, career woman/feminist. (I'm Linda Hirschman's worst nightmare.)

Fanning the flames of the mommy war? Nice try, not my intention. I'm not talking about her ability to govern because she's a mother. That would be the facile accusation—the one main stream media just loves to eat up with a spoon—and so I tread carefully and try to focus on Bristol Palin.

You'll be an advocate for children, Sarah Palin? Children with special needs? (Really?) You certainly pandered to special needs parents in your speech last night, but how about starting with your own?

All I have to do is think of my own impressionable self at 17. How would I have felt if I had accidentally and unintentionally gotten pregnant. I would have wanted to hide as far away from the public eye as possible. My own mother, while being loving and supportive, would probably have trotted me out on stage to force me to be accountable for my actions. After all, my sex ed talk—not couched in the religious language of purity or promises or sin—was decidedly more practical: "You get pregnant, it's your responsibility." And, Jesus (pardon me), the last thing I would have wanted to do, even though I was blindly in "teen love" with my high school boyfriend, would be to marry him. Talk about insult to injury. And it only would have turned out badly.

Echoing these thoughts, our recent guest poster Grace Davis writes:

What must be judged here is this - Governor Palin's profound lack of sensitivity and willingness to haul her daughter into the international spotlight in order to plow ahead on her twisted path to power.  This is cruelty of a particularly nasty nature and exposes Governor Palin as completely ignorant of the misery, embarrassment and shame that any normal 17 year old girl would feel in this predicament.  In adding this burden on to her daughter's back, Governor Palin has betrayed herself as the extreme opposite of holding "family first".

Her sentiments are more strongly-worded than how I feel, and I'm not just talking about Sarah Palin. Bristol Palin has two parents, and I definitely hold both parents accountable, but she's on to something.

The Governor has chosen to make her family a centerpiece of her campaign. Hands off Bristol? I agree, but then we shouldn't be able to talk about Track or Trig, either. She does, in every speech I've seen her give, and so we should be able to talk about Bristol.

I look at Bristol now—such a beautiful, strong girl—and I feel for her. Not for being pregnant, but for being put on display. She has such a hesitant, deer-in-the-headlights look about her. I may be 38 but I remember was 17 feels like. And I know what being pregnant feels like when it's something you've yearned for and dreamed about and it's not a surprise. (I mean no judgment by that, I'm speaking of my own experience.) Her discomfort is palpable. 

I would never tell a mother to turn down a job, every mother needs to make her own decision about what's best for her family, but faced with such a challenging family issue amidst so many transitions, I would definitely council the parents (if asked) to circle the wagons around their family, not appeal to a political party or religious group to do it for them. I know Evangelicals have rallied around Palin especially in light of this situation, but I have so many questions: How is forcing her to be the face of "regular families with problems like yours" a good thing? How can people smile and cheer and celebrate the fact that she is being used? How can protecting a 17-year-old girl be wrong?

If she were my daughter, to quote Governor Palin herself, "I'd say, 'thanks but no thanks'" to that job and you'd never see us in the public spotlight again. There would be no making her stand up in front of the world and asking people to acknowledge that she has it hard. She knows she has it hard.

As Wicker notes, I would be shielding her and yes, berating myself. Absolutely. Some part of me would feel that I had failed as a parent. I would be want her away from the media but at the same time, I would be mourning my daughter's future. College. Would she realistically be able to finish her studies while caring for a needy baby, then wiggly toddler, then young active kid? Her twenties, the decade of figuring out who you are. Her thirties, when you begin to know yourself, the decade when I chose to start having children.

I'd be asking myself why she and her partner didn't use protection, because in my family, sex education would include knowing about different forms of birth control and how to properly use them. It would include talking openly and honestly about having sex and all the consequences involved. My life would be turned completely upside-down along side my daughter's.

Bristol Palin has a right not to be paraded around like a modern day Mary. She has the right to be at home, out of the public eye. Track wasn't present when McCain first introduced Palin to America. His absence was explained away and we thought nothing of it. And if family is not the focus, then who cares where any one or two of her five children are? Bristol Palin has the right to privacy, to be loved and supported away from public scrutiny if she so chooses, and if she doesn't that includes having parents who have the sense to chose that for her.

Like Wicker, I don't know any parents who "crusade for family values," but in my world, this circus isn't it.

—Stefania Pomponi Butler

 

Comments

[Snoskred]

Great post.

I also wonder why the immediate kneejerk solution is marriage to the father. I would think for those who are pro life and find themselves pregnant, an open adoption is an excellent option.

But that probably isn't an option for someone who is in the public spotlight like this - not with the whole family values thing.

There are so many families all over the world who desperately want a baby but are unable to have one. In the US a lot of these families end up going overseas to adopt.

In my opinion, it is a great shame that adoption is not promoted more as an option for teenagers who find themselves to be pregnant.

[Jupiter]

The only 2 things I do have in common with that woman are the common denominators of having 5 children and having children before the age of 24. Beyond that,there are zero similarities and those 2 things are not enough basis for political preference.

I agree with a lot of what you say here. Plus Having been a teenage mother myself,I am feeling very angry for Bristol.

One thing,though:
"I would be mourning my daughter's future. College. Would she realistically be able to finishing her studies while caring for a needy baby, then wiggly toddler, then young active kid? Her twenties, the decade of figure out who you are. Her thirties, when you begin to know yourself, the decade when I chose to start having children."

A teenage mother is just like any other mother. Mothers go to college when they have children. Women earn doctorate degrees while having children.If the will is there, she'll do it. I'm speaking from experience of being a teenage mother myself (who went to college) and did a stint as a counselor for pregnant teens and teenage parents. I always beg people to please not doom a young woman to failure just because of her reproductive status.

[kathreen]

I agree with you that the way the Palin children are being paraded around is despicable.

However, there's no way in the world you are going to hear me questioning her "mommy" creds. Call me selfish, but even as a single mother of four (3-18)if someone tapped me for VP, I'd leap at it. To accept the opportunity to make history and to create policies that could make a better world for my children would be a no-brainer.

Sarah Palin's daughter is almost a legal adult. She has a husband (father), presumably extended family, and the financial means to get the best child care available. Her lifestyle is a testimony to the progressive ideals most Democrats espouse. Her family has benefitted from the labor movement, taxpayer funded health and job benefits, the ADA, and FEMINISM (perhaps most of all!) We can only hope that she recognizes the debt she owes and works to extend this reality to everyone.

But we all know she won't and that, I think, is what really galls us. What she has been so generously given, and has so hungrily accepted, is not and will not (under a McCain/Palin presidency)be the reality for most of us. There's so much to despise her for- let's leave her mothering out of it.

[Cindy Brodrick]

This is awesome. Thank you for being able to beautifully clarify what's been swirling around my head. I've already forwarded this to 6 friends.

[Annie]

I am no Sarah Palin fan - what she spouted last night was nothing short of painful - but, but...

I make different parenting choices to others all the time. Yes these are more significant than your average 'differences in parenting style', there is NO way I would have done to a pregnant teen daughter what she's done (nor would I have an infant, special needs or no, out so late in such a loud arena!) however, at these major rallies, are we not seeing Obama's children 'paraded' before crowds also?

I also have to ask - if this was McCain's daughter - would we even be discussing this?

I absolutely agree though, that if you want to run on your position as a working mom of five, and you bring your family out as evidence that you 'walk the walk' as the republicans are so fond of saying - then don't complain whenever said family members are examined by the media - it's what they do best!

[Scheherazade Khan]

It's so scary that this sneering, snarly woman may become the next vice-president...subjecting her children and their mistakes and to the glare of the media. America is facing some really tough times right now, do we really want the "lil' ditty 'bout Jack and Dianne" sorting out all of these problems? Geez, I am floored by how disturbing her speech was...

[Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You]

I, personally, haven't made any 1000% decisions about who to vote for - for a variety of reasons. I have purposely steered clear of debates and speeches and the like because it was all way too early to be inundated with it.

I just happened to catch her speech last night, accidentally, while flipping channels. I left it on while I was writing - but pretty soon, my attention was completely on her - and her comedy routine.

Her speech helped me decide who NOT to vote for, that's for sure.

[Emily R]

I don't know any fathers who would make that choice, either, btw.

[Stefania]

Scheherezade Khan, if we gave out prizes, you'd win for your "Jack and Diane" quip. Brilliant. Right on the money. And Emily R., I agree with you 100%.

[Kady]

I wonder what the silent Bristol thinks about all this... Maybe she wanted to give the child up for adoption, maybe she even wanted to have an abortion, and, given the photos that have surfaced of her (entirely age appropriate) partying life, she likely wanted to keep being a teen.

I wonder if she has been more or less forced into this keep the baby, have a husband life simply b/c her mother wants to be VP...

[Tawnya]

I've thought the same thing. And now we are hearing about how Palin used line item veto power as governor to slash funds that are for troubled teen programs, in particular pregnant teens. The program is geared to help young moms learn skills and get on their feet again.

It feels a bit hypocritical that Palin parades her daughter around and says she fully supports her, but somehow doesn't fully support the other teens in Alaska that might need it her support as governor. Pro Life? At least until they are born, by the sound of it.

And, am I the only one who can't help but think she might not fully be aware of the strain she'll be under when her 4 month old gets a little older? Not that she shouldn't work at all, but to have stress/responsibilities of a special needs child that at this moment she's probably read about it but not fully exerienced, and add to it the pressure of the most stressful job in America? Or, at least to be a heartbeat away from it. I just wonder if she's fully thought this out. Maybe she has and believes she will be able to handle it all. It's just that this whole thing(Palin pick) has felt like a big joke and I wonder if anyone in the Republican party is really truly thinking about what's best for the country?

[Snoskred]

I will never, ever, be able to reconcile pro-life with hunting moose and other animals. It makes me want to send 50 zillion emails to Sarah Palin saying those animals were fetuses once too you know!

I don't know if you guys have seen some of the images of Sarah Palin with her kills, but they are disgusting. :(

[cynematic]

Great post! Not my family values either. On most social issues I'm a huge flaming liberal but on this one it's hard to shake my upward-striving immigrant kid's background: teen mom=uphill battle, if not =failure.

I know it's still possible to attend college and be a young (unmarried) mother with a baby, but I think most parents, if honest, would want to see their daughters focus on their educations without those kinds of extra responsibilities weighing on them.

And knowing what I know as a mother now, I have to give big kudos to young/teen moms who *did* work hard to succeed in college.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

This is not a mother issue--it is a PARENT issue--and you are dead on.

[meera]

actually the question to ask is if this were obama's daughter, would we be talking about it? and you bet we would.

i dont think sarah should stay at home to take care of her daughter/sons but i think its not her best judgement to parade them around and then expect that we dont discuss or make comments about it. You cant have it both ways.

[Matt]

Last night I saw a hockey mom perform a speech to be the V.P. of the US. The RNC proudly displayed her family for the whole world to see because she has “Family Values”. In reflection of that speech I thought of my own mother and her values. I realized I needed to give her a very public thank you.

Thank you for using your better judgment and not leaving me alone with Dad for more then an hour when I was to young to whip my own butt. I know her would have passed me to Lori to take care of me too. I think she was four at the time.

Thank you for loving me more then your career. You could have been anything you wanted to be, but you decided to be my mom. You valued family more then your career and ambitions. You took me to wrestling tournaments all over the country instead of working overtime. You told me that we needed the money but there are things that money cannot buy. Thank you for valuing the things that money cannot buy more then what it can.

Thank you for loving me more then country. I cannot thank you enough for not allowing me to enlist in the military. You said any fool in the White House can send you off to war for anything they want to. I know sending me to college would have been easier if I had the GI bill; but you loved me to much to have me go though the horrible experience of war.

Thank you for inviting my wife and me to your parties with your true friends because you love us and enjoy our company. You never dressed us up and paraded us around people you want to be your friends. You never used me to look better to anyone; and you actually defended me when I made you look bad. You never tried to spin my mistakes into a chance to make you look like super mom! You never made my life part of your plan to get ahead in your career because you choose to make me your career.

Thank you for being a real mom. You may never be Vice President of the United States, but I THANK GOD you are my mom and Sara Palin is not.

[Lawyer Mama]

Matt - That was beautiful. I hope she reads this!

[San Antonio Lawyer]

Well done! Keep it up!

[Jill]

I couldn't agree more! I've been taking flack on my own blog for critisizing Pallin but your words are more succinct than mine. I couldn't imagine not putting my own family ahead of my own choices, and as I said to my husband last night, if this country is looking to go back to core family values, we're in BIG trouble. Good post.

[Amy in OHio]

It's interesting to me as The Daily Show pointed out that when it's Jamie Lynn Spears knocked up at sixteen it's cut and dry to the conservatives: horrid parenting. Case closed.

Sarah Palin's daughter makes a slip and Palin is praised for her family values? Newsflash O'Reilly, they both are keeping the babies - how is your judgment so easily bought?

I can't imagine anyone who has been in a marriage, raised children, knows the trials and tribulations that come with both and then wish it on their 17 year -old daughter and her boyfriend. It boggles my mind that this is a thought-out solution in this scenario.

Insult to injury indeed.

Great post - as always!

[ilinap]

This is about parents, not just moms. First of all, the term "Mr. Mom" to describe Todd Palin makes me want to vomit. Second of all, both campaigns have declared that families, especially children, are off limits. I agree. So why does Palin continue to parade her children for her personal gain? She pulls out stories of Track, Trig, and Bristol right out of central casting to exploit her very own children. If she brings them into the limelight, then we have free reign to chime in. Where is her inherent mother's instinct to protect her young? Sarah Palin is exponentially worse than a state mom, pageant mom, cheerleader mom, or god forbid, mommy blogger. None exploits and disrespects her children as much as Palin does. My disdain of Sarah Palin goes beyond her politics; it is her twisted value system that frightens me.

[FireMom]

Oh. Gosh. The quick "adoption" speak in this thread is really making me want to bang my head against the wall. The thing that people don't realize about the "adoption option" is that it is more convoluted than parenting or abortion combined. Right now the adoption system in our country is so unethical that reformists don't know when or how to ever expect quality change.

I wrote about Palin on my personal adoption blog when Bristol's pregnancy was announced (here: http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2008/09/01/congratulations-are-in-order-after-a-rant/) and the truth remains: Not one of the candidates is doing anything to promote reform within the corrupt adoption system. Not one candidate is doing anything to help adoptees with their fight for their Original Birth Certificates. Do you want to talk about invisibility like Hillary did? Fine. (http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2008/08/28/invisibility/) That's invisibility.

Adoption is not the easy answer to an unplanned pregnancy, nor should it be. Mothers and children have a right to be together. Adoption leaves a loss for the adoptee and for the mother and it doesn't magically get erased with an "open" adoption bandaid. (Did you know that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states? Adoptive parents can close the door without reason, warning or recourse for the birth family at any time after finalization in these states.)

I am so tired of adoption being thrown up in the air as the "answer" to the "abortion problem," even on pro-choice kind of blogs and discussions. Until adoption is reformed in some substantial way and expectant parents considering adoption are treated with an iota of respect in this country, offering it as the "great option" will only create a bigger problem for a whole subset of ignored people in our country.

[karma_musings]

Meera, you have put it so well. The point is, she can't have it both ways, but as the Jon Steward/Daily Show video shows all too well, the GOP are masters at trying. Sigh.

[Rox]

I think my mom first ran for public office when I was 14. I wanted to be at her side, supporting her, and remained there through many subsequent runs then political appointments that lasted well into my 20s. Based on my own experience, I don't think we can presume that -- just because she's pregnant -- Bristol Palin is anything less than proud of and supportive of her mother. I wouldn't have been proud of being pregnant at 17, but, then again, I had already been with my now-husband for a year at that age -- and if I found myself pregnant then, my mother would have been running for national office with a pregnant daughter at her side. I wouldn't have been hiding because I conceived a child with a man I loved, even if I had my first with him at 17 instead of at 27 like I did. Just my two cents -- and yes, I'm an Obama supporter.

[SopranoVicki]

I was horrified to see the first response to this thread in which the reader questions the "kneejerk solution of marrying the father" and describes open adoption as an excellent option for pro-lifers.

While open adoption is certainly a better option than closed adoption, it is hardly an excellent option. Losing a child to adoption generally causes some sort of irreparable damage to the relinquishing parent (s). The type of damage runs the gamut from loss of ability to trust and a lifelong feeling of regret and sadness to posttraumatic stress disorder, clinical depression and even suicide. Women who have lost children to adoption often never have another child. Those who do experience an array of adjustment/coping issues.

Adoptees usually aren't left unscathed by the process of losing their families of origin. Many have abandonment issues, even those who were raised by wonderful families who loved them unconditionally. Then there is the issue of not being able to access one's own original birth certificate in many states. Imagine not having one's own family history!!!! Most of us take knowing our family history for granted.

I'm truly sorry for people who want children and can't have them. However, taking advantage of someone in a crisis or otherwise less than optimal situation for one's own gain is unethical. That parents are coerced into relinquishing children for adoption or being made to feel defeated enough, resourceless enough or simply not good enough to raise one's child is antithetical to the principles of our democratic society. It is also hard to imagine that in a country like the US that is so concerned with liberty and human rights, that records are still sealed and people denied basic information about their existence.

While I disagree with Sarah Palin on just about every issue and (and will not be voting for the McCain/Palin ticket), I applaud her for supporting her daughter's decision to keep her baby. I'm not sure I agree with the decision to have her marry the father. That's a separate issue, though.

[ttmomof1]

I believe Palin is an extremely selfish woman. When offered to be the VP canidate she should have NEVER even given it a second thought. Any mother I know would have put their family first and foremost. Her child is having a child and she should be there for her. She has two other girls coming up and she should be focused on them and not having them come home saying they are pregnant too. Here she has a fifth child with special needs. This child has also been the center of her selfishness. Using this child as a tool to be accepted by special needs families. Have you ever seen Palin hold this child for more than 30 seconds. One of her other children even down to the smallest is ALWAYS holding Trig. I find this so disturbing. If Palin is put into office and heaven forbid something were to happen to McCain and/or just her role as VP is going to take away a tremendous amount of time from the five children. It appears her time away as Governor already produced one grandchild. I want to know if Bristol has finished school? I heard the boy already quit and went to work to support them. It is a shame. This boy should still be given a chance to make something of his life. Maybe Palin could have taken the 150,000 and let them live on it for a year or two (I am a single working mother and survive on 30,000 per year) and allowed them to continue school. I feel like he is being pushed into marrying her. I bet the divorce will be not too far in the future. More power to them if not. I ask myself why was this girl not taught about birth control. Was her mother more focused on a bridge to nowhere and/or pipeline.

As a woman I think Palin is a poor excuse for a role model and do not want my daughter looking up to someone who is so selfish, ignorant and shameless.

[Texas Dem]

I don't think Sarah Palin has much in common with the average working mom’s life. She tries to pass herself off as an "average Joe", but I don’t know of any “Joe Sixpacks” or “Joe the Plumbers” that live in houses worth half a million dollars! I looked up her property tax records, not all that hard to do, and her house value is $552,100.00, roughly 10 times what mine is worth! I work two jobs and almost lost my house this year. I am also a single mom making around $30,000, on two jobs. I do not see how she can compare herself to the millions of “regular Joes” out there; she has absolutely no understanding of what it is to live poor. I know real estate values in Alaska are probably a bit higher, but even at that, this is one expensive house! Not exactly someone who needs the RNC to buy clothes for her.

For that matter, John McCain, when defending the decision to buy those clothes for her, made the statement that she and her husband live “frugally.” Okay, further investigation into their property tax records show that they have at least partial ownership in 4 other pieces of property, one that appears to have a cabin on it worth $55,400.00 (worth my house), and 3 other pieces of real estate worth $18,000.00, $17,300.00, and $12,000.00 respectively, for a combined total of $102, 700.00. These are not people living frugally. Living frugally is living in a house you can barely afford, that needs repairs you can’t possibly afford to make, and eating a lot of Ramen. I seriously doubt that Sarah Palin has ever had to make do like that. I know the other candidates also live in expensive houses, but she is the one trying to sell herself as the “folksy, regular Joe kind of soccer mom” which she clearly is not. And exactly why is it okay for us to send billions of dollars in aid to foreign countries every year, but anytime someone wants to help the people in this country, it is “socialism”? By her own argument, would that not make her plan to funnel taxpayer money to families with special needs kids “socialism?”

Anyway, these property records are public information. Check them out for yourself. Go to www.matsugov.us, click on Property and Maps, click on pull-down My Property, and do an Owner Search for "Palin". It’s all right there. Three of them will pull us with Palin, but show as “Richter, Scott” and “Richter Investments,” their names are on there too.