GOP Fake 2010 "Census": Only Losers Cheat When They Can't Win Any Other Way

UPDATE as of June 8, 2010--see the coda to this story at the bottom of the page.

I'm sure there's a Very Brady Episode that taught the important life lesson: only losers cheat when they can't win any other way. That's certainly what occurred to me when my spouse was mailed this fake GOP "Census" about a month ago. (The accompanying letter signed by RNC Chair Michael Steele is dated March 26, 2010.) We'd already been sent our official 2010 U.S. Census materials and filled it out dutifully. So when we opened the non-profit franked envelope that said in big bold black letters, "DO NOT DESTROY OFFICIAL DOCUMENT," (Exhibit 1) we raised our eyebrows.

 

Through the clear window of the envelope, the document inside was folded to show our address and in smaller type, "Special Notice: You have been selected to represent Republican voters in California's 29th Congressional District. This is not a U.S. Government document" (Exhibit 2, below).

Nobody in our household (upon pain of death) is allowed to register as a Republican or vote that way. So my spouse and I were puzzled. GOP what? Dorothy Parker said it best: "What fresh hell is this?"

Intrigued, we opened the folded-up 4-page questionnaire and read four partly sane questions before the ridiculously leading questions like #9 began: "Do you think the record trillion dollar federal deficit the Democrats are creating with their out-of-control spending is going to have disastrous consequences for our nation? Yes / No / No Opinion."

We might have howled with laughter at the hysteria, bias, and sheer wingnuttery of it all. Oh my, maybe yes.

Why not a question asking,

"Do you think microchips will be implanted in your perineum for population tracking and control purposes under Herr Obama's evil regime of not-even-completely-universal mind-control-pseudo healthcare, given that FEMA DeAtH CaMpS OF HeLl aRE aLrEaDY bEinG CONSTRUCTED NOW AS WE SPEAK DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!! (HELP ME) Yes / No / Not sure because FOX TV hasn't told me to turn it off yet."

Oh yes, perhaps we chuckled a tad. I mean, are you even listening to yourself over there, getting all spittle-flecked with the veins popping. Go ahead. Blow a gasket. I actually voted and called my representatives in support of the Affordable Health Care Act so that even people freaking out about scary Obamacare could be covered under that same scary Obamacare which has barely started yet, so my conscience is clear should any of y'all keel over from working yourselves up.

What's true cause for anger is that this Fake GOP Census is part RNC fundraiser and part deceptive, barely skirting the line of legal, Census imitation. I mean, for this Fake GOP Census, it looks as if you have to "donate" to "certify" your answers and maybe even "defray the cost of processing [your] Census Document" (Exhibit 3, above). Whereas there are no costs whatsoever for people to return their real Census forms. With the real Census, no one asks you for money, and no one keeps the data. No one at the Census calls you during dinner time to try to get more money out of your wallet into the GOP's bank account so they can entertain party donors at strip clubs. No, that's definitely the GOP that does that.

Do I wonder what triggered this suspicious mailing to my spouse, a Declined-to-State voter in California and an Asian Pacific American with a recognizably Asian last name? Do I think maybe the RNC is trying to deflate participation rates in areas where there are large populations who may not use English as their first language? My husband is a native speaker of English, so that concern doesn't apply to him, but Congressional District 29 has a large number of Latino and Asian immigrants whose first language may be something other than English, so I have to wonder. I know as more reports surface about this pseudo-Census, it'll be interesting to see if elderly, non-English-speaking, or poor voters are targeted. These are all vulnerable populations who might not understand the purpose of the legitimate Census and therefore be deceived into answering the RNC's version. They might actually pop a check by mistake into the official-looking envelope (Exhibit 4, below).

So contemptibly deceptive is this fake GOP census that even Republicans are demanding that their own party stop. A Republican congressman is belatedly introducing a bill banning a tactic the RNC has been apparently employing for more than one election cycle, exploiting a loophole in a previous bill that was supposed to ban the practice. Lie, cheat and steal your way back into power--now, would that be John Galt that's to blame for the underhandedness, or Machiavelli's spawn Karl Rove? I feel sure Mr. and Mrs. Brady would have said, just run your own race and win fair and square. The fact you have to cheat to win means you can't do it on the up-and-up. That means you're already a loser.

Just remember when all the "voter ID" bills pop up on state referenda this fall to suppress votes among the non-literate, forgot-to-carry-my wallet, and non-English speaking voters, it was brought to you by the can't-win-for-loserish cheating, slimy GOP.

Cynematic gets the strangest mail. She writes at P i l l o w b o o k and will shoot her short film in less than 20 days. Exhibit A: she was once a paralegal.

UPDATE, June 8, 2010: 

Politico's headline: Postal Service Goes Postal on RNC

"[T]he RNC should, in the future, cease and desist from mailing the referenced subject materials, and should ensure that future mailings are in full compliance with applicable statutes," a Postal Service official, Sheila Meyers, wrote New York Democrat Carolyn Maloney and Republican Jason Chaffetz and Darrell Issa.

...

Maloney said in a statement, "Hopefully even Mr. Steele and the RNC will get the message-- between the TWO bills passed unanimously by Congress and now the postal service's 'cease and desist' order-- and they will finally stop intentionally confusing Americans that their mailings are coming from the U.S. Census Bureau."

Ha. Way to stay on the story, Congressmen and -woman!

Like I said, GOP losers.

Comments

[Daily Cup of Jo]

OMG. Seriously? Thank you for taking the time to include your fake census, with photos attached. Because I agree with everything you've written, I'll just say "kudos" and I so wish you weren't just preaching to the choir here at Momocrats. Spread the word wherever else you can. I'll link to this on my site.

[Alex]

Great call-out!
And I actually am on the GOP mailing list (an act of God, I assure you) because I LOVE sending them my OPINIONS on their poignant and pointed questions. And I especially enjoy the fact that they pay both ways to received my quite liberal viewpoints. FUN!

[Cynematic]

@Jo, thanks for the link and for helping spread the word!

@Alex, I inherited the landline number of a right-wing contributor and got the most ridiculous phone call solicitations to donate to conservative groups. For a while, it was pretty fun to keep the callers on the line with lengthy discussions of why I voted for Obama/supported the Recovery Act/the health care bill/etc. I'd always tell them I was the right-winger they were looking for, and I'd had a change of heart and rejected the GOP. :) I could almost hear the heads exploding on the other end of the phone line!