What a Five-Year-Old Needs to Know About Sex

Last week, after a tempest-in-a-teapot on Twitter that covered birth control, comprehensive sexual education vs. abstinence-only, Title X, CEDAW, and political minorities vis a vis Madison’s Federalist Papers, someone tweeted, “The only thing a 5yrold should need to know about sex is...well...nothing.”

Shortly thereafter, I saw Logan Levkoff debating Peter Sprigg, of the Family Research Council, on Fox News over proposed curriculum changes in Helena, MT.

Did you catch that? Peter Spriggs is all a flutter over the possibility of teaching kindergartners “the names of the male and female sex organs.” In other words, teaching kids the correct names of their own body parts.

Mr. Sprigg would probably be horrified to know that my two-year-old knows the word "vulva." Why does she know that word? She pointed to herself and asked "What's that?" I gave her the correct answer, not a substitute word or slang term. To further push the FRC into conniptions: She also knows that boys have penises. Of course, she also knows her colors, other body parts (eye, ear, chin, etc.), the names of all Dora-related characters, and that Jupiter is the biggest planet (thank you They Might Be Giants). And that’s the point: Being able to name her body parts – genitals included – isn’t evil, or wrong. It is simply knowledge.

As she matures, we can broaden and deepen the discussion to include the purpose of those parts (both biological and pleasurable), gender/gender stereotypes, different kinds of families, birth control, sexually transmitted infections, respect, decision-making, and more. Comprehensive sexual education, both in school and at home, includes frank discussions, answers based on scientific data, and nonjudgmental language. It is better that my daughter learn from me, her father, and other trusted adults than from other (often misinformed) kids or the mainstream media which all too often paints women into an either/or corner of hypersexualized performance or icy prude.

I'd argue that a five-year-old needs to know the truth. They need clear, nonjudgmental answers to their questions. They need to know that their parent/guardian is willing to talk with them about topics they find scary, confusing, funny, or icky. They need to be assured that their parent/guardian will not force them to display physical affection (i.e., "Go hug your grandmother!") and that they should tell a trusted person if they are uncomfortable with any intrusion into their physical space.

Recognizing this, I have to ask: Mr. Sprigg and the FRC, why are you so afraid to tell your kids the truth?

Comments

[sarah]

I couldn't agree with you more! My brain twitches when I hear cutesie little names for genitals; it makes me absolutely crazy. And withholding information about sexuality just seems like a surefire way to breed shame & confusion; life is difficult enough for our kids without setting them up for that.

But I'm not surprised to hear that sentiment from the likes of FOX news. Not surprised at all.

[Robyn - Who's the Boss?]

Ah, this reminds me of a conversation we just had at the dinner table. I corrected my 6yo son after he said that his little brother was in my stomach. I simply said... "He is in my belly, but in a special organ that carries a baby called a uterus." My husband nearly fell off his chair and later told me that he thought it was inappropriate to talk about it. Obviously, I didn't agree. Isn't it more inappropriate to let my kid think that I swallowed a baby and it's swimming around with my breakfast cereal?

[whozat]

My daughter is almost 21 months old. She doesn't say many words, but she's been able to point to her vulva on request for months.

We've explained periods, when she's been curious about the blood. (When I get to the part about "the lining" she roars and signs "lion." Perhaps she doesn't really get it yet? :-) )

And, I've told her many, many times about how she was made: the doctor took an egg out of Mommy and put it together with a sperm from a very nice man, and made an embryo that he put in Mama and it grew up to be her, and then she came out of Mama's vagina.

Obviously, most of this is waaay over her head at this point, but if we start now, it will be much less of a big weird deal when she starts getting it.

(Hmm, I suppose I ought to talk to her about how most babies get made, too, huh? Oops! :-) )

[WhatPaleBlueDot]

If they really wanted 5 year olds to know nothing about sex, they wouldn't tell them fairy tales or teach them about Christianity. There's a whole lot of sex-talk in the gospel story.

Things a 5 year old should know about sex:

1. Accurate names of body parts.
2. People tend to couple and often get married. They'll know this whether you tell them or not; your job is to tell them that lots of different kinds of people may couple or group off.
3. People should only touch you if you've given them permission. If you feel uncomfortable with anyone, you should tell your guardian.
4. Yes, when you play with that, it feels good. Please do it in your room. Yes, they will. They do it in the womb.
5. If you have younger children, they will probably ask how they got there. You should be honest, but not explicit.

I think that should do it.

[Lauren Cunningham]

I don't have children yet, but my boyfriend-to be fiancé-to be husband and I will definitely see the need in explaining these things as they come up. There is nothing wrong with younger children learning about their bodies and what's happening to them.

On a side note... when I was that age, I liked little boys (I'm a girl, to clarify) and have always been partial to them. So not "every little kid likes the same sex more when they're younger" and is "being tricked into being homosexuals." Jackass.

[Claudlaw]

This reminds me of when I was in HIGH SCHOOL and the mother of a 15 year old classmate of mine wrote a note asking for her daughter to be excused from dance class sue to "a visit from red riding hood." Coming from a family where there was frank, honest discussion about body parts at a young age I was competely baffled at why a grown woman couldn't use the word "PERIOD"... It was that moment that I began to realize how much shame and confusion existed when it came to basic sexuality and anatomy. And how teenage pregnancy could be so rampant.

[airjordanshoes]

Ok, you make the assumption that Conservatives are wrong. I would like to see clear proof. From what I have see there are many on both the political left and right that get this wrong. Are you possibly forgetting that the Human Factor means more than narrow political views? Or are you just protecting a philosophy that requires no thought?

[MAC Cosmetics]

ut if you always seek the approval of others seems to saying: "Do not believe in yourself and listen to other's opinions." It will make you doubt yourself, more and more dominated by others Self-confidence needs to cultivate self-praise, not from others.

[Melaina25]

I helped create and implement a comprehensive sexual health and relationship curriculum in Glasgow and it began in P1, age 5. I think it is extremely important that children are spoken to openly and honestly about sexual health and sexuality.

Great post!

[The Ranting Mommy]

I just tweeted about this post a few days ago. The entire 'Obama wants to teach pre-schoolers about sex' meme is so stupid and frustrating. It is empowering and necessary for children to have this knowledge. Age-appropriate, of course, and ideally from one's parents. But that is not always how the world works.

[nancy]

You all surprise me. I am a big fan of reproductive choice, but what you here are saying is that your choice should be inflicted upon parents who don't feel as you feel. I have a five year old and I DO NOT want her to hear about sexual organs at an inappropriate age. I respect your choice to tell your children about orgaisms when they are still in the crib, but what has turned me away from the Left is the idea that you have the RIGHT to determine what is right for my child and when it is right.
And that is a very Conservative viewpoint: telling me what to tell my child about her body. That seems to fit with your indoctrinate belief (per your tagline above) that you have a duty to raise you children to be just like you--and that they should think just like you. The left has become as scary as the right to me.

[mary]

I have always told my sons the correct names for their own body parts (and mine). Never occurred to me to do anything else. My MIL almost died the first time she heard my oldest calling his penis his penis. I asked her what she had told her son (Brendan's Dad) to call it. She said: "There was never any NEED for him to call it ANYTHING. I raised him to be DECENT." There are plenty of things I haven't discussed in great detail with the boys yet; they are still little (8 and 5) and pretty grossed out by the idea of putting their penises anywhere in the distant future.

Spriggs et al would have us keep everything furtive and dirty and mysterious. I don't think I want everything to become as blase and banal as brushing teeth. I think factual names and attitudes and respect for what kids actually need and need to know and when they need to know it should be driving the agenda.

[meizitang botanical slimming capsule]

Thanks a lot for sharing. Will be referring a lot of friends about this.

[Markin Ambuh]

A five year old child needs to nothing about sex. They are too small to understand.

[botaical slimming]

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