The latest suicide of a young person who was bullied about his sexuality by his classmates and acquaintances has me shaken up. Tyler Clementi's is the fourth such reported death in less than a month. And yet we continue to hear of more such suicides.
I'm stunned and horrified that two Rutgers students thought it would be "funny" to livestream schoolmate Clementi's sexual activity over the internet without his permission or knowledge, directly contradicting Clementi's request for privacy.
As a parent, I'm devastated by the Clementis' terrible loss of their beautiful, gifted son. There is nothing so heart-wrenching as parents forced to bury their child; a situation so profoundly unjust and sorrowful it goes against everything parents attempt in the simple, hopeful act of nurturing children. People of all ages recognize this grief; you need not be a parent to understand it. But I think parents feel a particular pain knowing that in some cases, their vast love and acceptance, like Wendy Walsh's for her now-dead son Seth, was not enough to counter the hate. When he came out to his mother, Wendy Walsh told Seth, "It's okay, sweetheart, I love you no matter what." I'm heartbroken that despite her abiding love, her son couldn't endure torment from his schoolmates and the deafening, indifferent silence of teachers and staff.
Ellen DeGeneres immediately made a moving and urgent plea to suicidal young LGBT people to "stick around." Be around for the changes, because society is changing--unevenly, slowly, in pockets here and there. But it is changing for the better.
Dan Savage, the popular sex-positive advice columnist, started "It Gets Better," a similar movement to reassure and encourage LGBT youth that they will find love, that with luck and perserverance and the warm support of friends and allies they will find their niche in the world.
National Coming Out Day is October 11, 2010--seven days from now. And October is Anti-Bullying Month.
I'm starting up a Blog Action that I hope everyone will join, from the parenting blogosphere, to LGBT bloggers who have already written and vlogged so movingly about homophobic bullying and the courage to come out. I know caring educators will have something to say, as will activists in the youth and feminist movements. I think we allies need to find one another.
If you've blogged a memorial about the suicides of of kids tormented because of their sexual orientation, if you have a hopeful coming out story to share, if you have resources to help people who witness bullying become the ones to stop it, please add your blog post link to the Simply Linked below. For the next seven days until National Coming Out Day, October 11, let's demonstrate that there's more love, compassion, and acceptance out there than there is cruelty and hate.
Because all too many people who are happy, well-adjusted LGBT adults now have HORRIFYING stories of being bullied as children and teens. It doesn't have to be this way. It shouldn't be this way--not for vulnerable LGBT youth, not for the poor kid with hardly a change of clothes or a home, not for the lone/few Asian or Latino or African American or Native or Jewish kids in a sea of white Christian kids.
When we accept bullying as a "fact of life," we throw our hands up in the air and say that nothing can be done about mean people. Sure, there's a grain of truth in that. There always will be cruel, thoughtless, hateful people.
BUT. When "mean people" can--through insensitivity, prolonged stalking and verbal/physical abuse, and harassment online--cause enough despair in another human being, IN ANOTHER CHILD, that the person abused wants to kill himself or herself, I think we have a public health crisis on our hands.
No one should be afraid to go to school. No one should go to schools looking for answers and be told, "Those are just kids being kids. / Let the kids work it out. / You're too sensitive, ABC was just having fun. / If XYZ didn't look/act/dress like that, everything would be okay."
If you are told this, seek out this dvd now: Bullied: A Student, A School, and A Case That Made History. It's a short documentary about a young man who experienced appalling homophobic bullying, developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and successfully sued his unresponsive school district for $900,000 in damages. Best of all, he seems to have left that painful part of his past behind him. The documentary is free to schools during October, Anti-Bullying Month, and it underscores the need for school districts to attend to bullying complaints for no other reasons than economic ones (as if other reasons than humanity and student safety are needed).
These are not just LGBT youth who despair. These are overweight kids, non-white kids, Muslim and Jewish kids. Girls who make each others' lives miserable.
School administrators, teachers, and parents need to step up. In many communities they are. Zero tolerance anti-bullying programs are necessary and should be enforced consistently. Bullying prevention programs work.
But the problem is nationwide. Within school districts, or even school to school, it's a patchwork of poor to middling to excellent programs and varying attention to stopping bullying.
And I think Sarah Silverman nails it on the head with her brief comment here to adults who oppose the repeal of DADT or don't want marriage equality:
Like it or not, adults set an example. We set the tone, and we're failing our young people.
It's no wonder that we have a proposed anti-bullying and bullying prevention law stuck in the Senate. Senator Casey's (D-PA) bill, the Safe Schools Improvement Act, would fund programs to train kids, teachers, and administrators to prevent peer victimization for all public high schools receiving federal dollars. It's no surprise at all that the same people who've been saying "No" all along--the active bullies in the Senate, no doubt responding to "values" voters in the religious right group Focus on the Family--have declined to join as co-sponsors. But the law could also use a lot more than the 12 co-sponsors it has now from among the passive bystanders.
Every expert on bullying says that if you can turn around attitudes in the ones who stand silently by while the bullying happens, you can change the dynamic. You can make the unlucky isolated person feel a little less alone, a little less vulnerable. You can stop the stone from rolling down the hill. But when we let the bullying slide, we give bullies tacit permission to crush other people. We become uncomfortably close to being accomplices--unless we speak up.
It takes a lot of courage to come out of the closet. I'm hoping for the day when it will be like announcing that the sky's blue: "Okay. So it is." In the meantime, let's encourage bystanders, whether straight or gay, in-group or out-group, to stand up for acceptance. We allies also need courage--the courage of our convictions. We can ask for Senator Casey's bill (Congresswoman Sanchez's bill in the House) to be voted on when Congress comes back from recess. We can keep asking our local school districts to keep on top of the problem before it starts. We can educate ourselves to the sly, tech-enabled ways kids might be using texting, emailing, and instant messaging to hurt each other. We can listen and ask questions when kids suddenly become withdrawn, sad, or start hating school when they loved it before.
Because to say nothing, to do nothing, is not an option.
Let's tell kids they matter to us. We want them to thrive, and become the beautiful people they were meant to be. Who knows, maybe it'll help adults be kinder to one another too.
H/T to the excellent Daily Kos diary by BoxerDave, which highlights the Bullied documentary made by the Southern Poverty Law Center's Teaching Tolerance program.
Cynematic blogs at P i l l o w b o o k. She tweets at @cyn3matic.
hey im a 12 year old girl and i am the B in LGBT.
my story is really very compicated. See, first I told one person, then that person told FIVE PEOPLE and then ditched me. For awhile i put up with the sideways glances, whispers, and mean words. I decided I wasnt going to put up with it so i officially went back in the closet. I don't know if I fooled anyone, though. The horrible thing is I came out within the first month at my new school. People had the wrong impression from the sart I guess, so I'm trying to work it back up. But still, I really want to declare who I am again tomorrow, national coming out day. also my good friend's 15th birthday! yay!
Posted by: Holly | October 10, 2010 at 07:27 PM
Holly, may our world evolve so you never have to feel fear or uncertainty about who you are and who you love.
Take your time to be who you are. It's okay to choose when to come out and who to come out to, and draw boundaries for yourself. People will always think what they will. Find people who take you on your terms.
And remember, it's a gift to know who you are. Most people are mysteries to themselves. Be true to YOU.
Happy Coming Out Day!
Posted by: Cynematic | October 11, 2010 at 10:41 AM