Citing it as a Tough Choice, but not book fodder, today Carly Fiorina announced that she is eyeballing Barbara Boxer's senate seat as her next acquisition.
"I hope to make it the new most successful public offering," she said with a laugh, referring to her past Lucent spinoff, which to date holds the record for most successful public offering, "In the end, of course, I am my own only competition. What has Barbara Boxer ever achieved? Protected California from glassy-winged sharpshooter and the Asian long-horned beetle? Beetles, really? How can you call killing poor little beetles an accomplishment, even if they do devour all the crops? I, on the other hand, rose from Kelly Girl temp to the most powerful campaign adviser to ever tank a Presidential race. Plus, I have never even stepped on an ant. I reserve my stepping on for humans."
Fiorina dismissed Boxer's active work on the Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation,
Committee on Environment and Public Works, and the
Committee on Foreign Relations. She also pooh pooh'd Boxer's support of protecting public land, efforts to remove arsenic from drinking water, and blocks of offshore oil drilling.
"Air pollution is a myth, you've got to have oil to grease the coffers, err, I meant wheels, and nobody needs to interfere with commerce. Clearly a free for all in capitalism is successful," Fiorina said, sounding closer to the modern Republican line than ever before.
Fiorina said she "learned a lot" about what does and doesn't work during John McCain's unsuccessful bid for President in 2008.
"My tax records are wide open to the public for review, as soon as every single citizen gets a court order, and my accountant returns from the Cayman Islands. Also, I know exactly how many houses I have," she said.
Fiorina clarified that she preferred the label moderate to maverick, and that she would not stand for a single Tina Fey or Saturday Night Live joke about her or her campaign.
"I have substance," she said, "And any mention of my $21 million golden parachute or the dramatic rise of HP stock after I was fired is sexist commentary."
Fiorina denied allegations by Robert Cihra, an analyst with Fulcrum Global Partners, that nobody liked her leadership and that people lack faith in her, "I'm very likable, and expert at being bossy."
She dodged questions about her stance on choice and redirected the conversation to education of schoolchildren in California.
"Boxer thinks every kid deserves an education, and is spending over a billion annually for afterschool programs. I say let the kids get street smart. As a businesswoman, I know how competition and incentives work. If those kids want to be in school, let them compete for the desk," Fiorina said.
She claimed she was still finessing the details of how children would compete for a spot in schools, but said it might involve reciting a full book from the Bible, although she denied that had any connection to the $4 million donation she received from a right-wing evangelical Protestant group called Stand Tall Under Protestant Instituitionalized Divinity.
Fiorina said she'll let the citizens of California know "soon" if this is an April Fool's joke.
Although Fiorina might make a fool of herself and/or the citizens of California with a race against Boxer---for real---this entire article has been a big joke. Happy April Fool's Day!
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